Of late, there have been certain issues that I have been grappling with.
First, I'm sick and tired of life at my company (read: a group of soldiers made up of platoons, not the corporate one). We men hardly get the treatment we think we deserve. Sometimes, we get punished for the wrongs we never did. We are tasked with duties like clearing vines from the perimeter fence (!) It's tragic. I've learnt that as a man, you're merely a passenger on a train that takes 2 years to reach the end of the line. It does not matter whether or not you put in effort, because most of the time, if not all, that effort is not recognised; and when we do put in that extra bit of effort in our training, and even our fatigue duty (read: shit work, aka sai gang in Hokkien) who is that person getting all the credit? That's it. I'm disillusioned, tired and fed up with army life. Disgusted with being a pathetic enlistee (read: man) who will never be promoted beyond a Corporal rank, in fact, as a person who WILL be promoted to a Corporal regardless whether I work or slack. Damn it, I'm through with all this nonsense. And hell, I wish I could ORD straight away.
And then there is her .
I'm confused. I wish someone would just give me guidance and strength to act on the right keys, on the right notes. How do you draw the line between friendship and romance? Sometimes, I'm very afraid of losing her. In fact, I think I'm losing her. She's getting distant from me. Or am I getting more distant from her? Sometimes, I wonder if I really know her. Do I really love her? Am I willing to give more than I receive? At the same time, I wonder if I truly understand myself. What do I really want? Should I act on my emotions? What do my feelings say? Does she know how I feel about her? Do I even know how I really feel about her? Should I just tell her how I feel? I'm so plagued by self-doubt that's it any wonder how I can still remain sane.
Where we go from here, is a question that both you and I have to answer, my friend.
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