Moved

Indefinitely to http://griever.reivad.net/.

ORD

In Dark Places

"Tell me, what can and must I do?"

Those words were uttered by a man dressed in a yellowish polo T-shirt that looked like they had once been white, maybe whiter than one would imagine white to be. Also, because he was not a flasher, his legs and his groin were covered by a dirty pair of brown slacks, creased and crumpled, faded from years of wash. He was barefoot. Not unlike a hobbit, as you would imagine. This man was seated at a table, a cheap plastic table that looked like it had been fished out of a junk yard.

Across this table, this man (who we shall call Wall) knew, was a man possessed of great power. As we would imagine, this man of power donned robes of an uncertain dark colour, so dark it might as well have been black, but they were certainly not black. It was night and almost impossible to tell the true hue of the strange clothes this strange figure was wearing. Wall had searched for this man for many days now, and believing that his only salvation laid with this man, had almost shed tears of joy and relief on meeting him.

The robed man kept very silent.

The winds howled, and for a moment Wall could not tell whether it was the sound of the wind or the wild wolves or whether it was simply his half-sane mind playng tricks on him. Then he realised he was in the city and there were no wild wolves in the vicinity, and very suddenly, everything became calm, so calm that it was very disquieting. A terrible gloom came over the man called Wall, and he felt, for a reason not known to him, an awful, total sense of desolation, desperation and resignation. He sighed heavily.

"And you, with your power, you will not aid me?"

The winds howled once more, and one could hear the gentle sweeping of leaves. Aside from that, all was silent.

On Tarot

I got myself a tarot deck today, so I'm halfway to accomplishing one of my new year resolutions. Hmm... Now, time for me to retreat into my studies of the tarot.

And So The Story Continues...

When I abandoned this blog almost a year ago, I thought I had left it for good. But no, that was not to be, for now I have returned to continue this unfinished saga. The past year has been a mostly moderate year, and I believe the lowest point of that year was spent in the rainforests of Temburong, Brunei. Boy am I beyond relief to be back here in Singapore. But enough of this. 2006 is going to be a very significant year, and even as I write this, I can hardly contain this excitment within me, for with every second that passes, I move inexorably closer to my ORD. Note to myself: Just a few more months, hang in there! And yes, I know this will be a good year.

New Year Resolutions:

1. Learn guitar

2. Learn Latin

3. Learn tarot

4. Read up on Norse Mythology

5. ORD peacefully

6. Play more Starcraft

7. Be happy

On April Fool's

This entry comes a little late, but surely late is better than never.

That's it. I'm finally into my second year of service. I've been a soldier for exactly one year. Just one year ago, I traded in my pink IC for the current green 11-B that identifies me as a member of the SAF. And I must say, I've really learnt quite a few things.

One certainly cannot take for granted many things in life. In fact, nothing should ever be taken for granted. We are all indeed very lucky and fortunate to be still alive, even today. Shouldn't we even stop to reflect, stop to relax and be glad that we have a chance at life? Isn't life wonderful? It does have its darker moments, but then again, life is beautiful.

I'm still waiting for the day when I can finally yell "ORD loh!" at the top of my voice, but until that day comes...

On My Song

I have begun the song, most unceremoniously, in Db major.

I have taken the first note, and spun around it a thread of melodies that crash to the deepest depths and soar to the highest heights. And I have begun the song, and I will not end it soon, I will not end it yet. I will not end it. I colour my song red and blue and black and brown, green and grey, ochre and orange. I sing my song, a song about love lost and love regained, a song about pain and pleasure, a song about hope and hopelessness. And here, perched on the roof top of the world, I cry out in anguish, anger and fury, in joy, jubilation and ecstacy.

From here, I cry my song.

On Nothing

I've realised I haven't written here for quite a long while. Not that I couldn't be bothered (maybe that's half the reason), but more because things that have been going on around me are not really worth writing about.

Of late I've been spending my time that might have been put to restoring my vitality (read:sleep) on other issues such as reading. Reading. I used to read a lot when I was young. That was maybe ten years ago. I read everything I could read. Fiction, non-fiction. Yea, mainly non-fiction. Oh yes, I read all the $3.90 Enid Blyton books, those with titles like "The Angry Gnome and Other Stories", I read about the Famous Five and their exploits, about the solar system, I read the Lone Wolf game book series by Joe Dever.

Then suddenly, I stopped reading, for some reason I am not quite sure of myself. And so it was, until recently, when out of necessity (I found that sometimes we really had nothing to do in the bunk), I started reading again. And now, I have rediscovered the joy in reading. Yea.

I think the army changes people.

I feel vaguely out-of-sorts, as if I'm going through some strange process of metamorphosis, one that can be likened to a caterpillar weaving a cocoon and keeping itself shut inside it, releasing itself only when the time is right. And voila, a most brilliant butterfly (assuming that caterpillar was not a moth caterpillar) emerges from within its prison, where it spent its time in transformation.

I think the army could be that cocoon.

I think I think too much.

On Half Marathons

I never thought I'd make it, but I did. All 21km of it.

Looking back, I'm glad I finally decided to run the full Army Half Marathon. True, it seemed insurmountable at first, but every step I took brought me closer to the end line. It's been a great achievement for me.

On Issues

Of late, there have been certain issues that I have been grappling with.

First, I'm sick and tired of life at my company (read: a group of soldiers made up of platoons, not the corporate one). We men hardly get the treatment we think we deserve. Sometimes, we get punished for the wrongs we never did. We are tasked with duties like clearing vines from the perimeter fence (!) It's tragic. I've learnt that as a man, you're merely a passenger on a train that takes 2 years to reach the end of the line. It does not matter whether or not you put in effort, because most of the time, if not all, that effort is not recognised; and when we do put in that extra bit of effort in our training, and even our fatigue duty (read: shit work, aka sai gang in Hokkien) who is that person getting all the credit? That's it. I'm disillusioned, tired and fed up with army life. Disgusted with being a pathetic enlistee (read: man) who will never be promoted beyond a Corporal rank, in fact, as a person who WILL be promoted to a Corporal regardless whether I work or slack. Damn it, I'm through with all this nonsense. And hell, I wish I could ORD straight away.

And then there is her .

I'm confused. I wish someone would just give me guidance and strength to act on the right keys, on the right notes. How do you draw the line between friendship and romance? Sometimes, I'm very afraid of losing her. In fact, I think I'm losing her. She's getting distant from me. Or am I getting more distant from her? Sometimes, I wonder if I really know her. Do I really love her? Am I willing to give more than I receive? At the same time, I wonder if I truly understand myself. What do I really want? Should I act on my emotions? What do my feelings say? Does she know how I feel about her? Do I even know how I really feel about her? Should I just tell her how I feel? I'm so plagued by self-doubt that's it any wonder how I can still remain sane.

My mind and heart are in a turmoil!

Where we go from here, is a question that both you and I have to answer, my friend.

On Confessions

Do you even know how much you mean to me?

On Courage

How will I ever find the courage?

On Growing Up

I remember when I was young, I always envied adults for all the freedom they seemed to be entitled to, for their not needing to attend lessons in school, for everything they did. They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Which makes me wonder "they" are always right. The paradox is, with more freedom that comes along with growing up, comes more responsibility. You're not only accountable to yourself, but also to the people around you, your family and friends, even to people whom you have absolutely no connection with.

My view has broadened somewhat, certain issues that never bothered me have begun to bite my mind like how termites tear through cellulose. In the past few months, I have seen a lot more things that I have never seen before. I've learnt that people out there are not as naive as the people that you thought they might be.

And yet there are some things that even grown ups find hard to deal with.

Rebirth

When the phoenix dies it consumes itself in a fearsome fire, and from its ashes comes forth a new phoenix.

Like the phoenix, my blog has been reborn.